The Life of Misa Amane
by Pensulliwen
Summary: The life of Misa Amane from her own eyes. Follows from before her parents' deaths to her own end, documented in 15 drabbles. Will eventually contain spoilers from volumes 4-12, but each chapter will have a separate spoiler warning, so no surprises.
1. World

**Spoilers:** None

_AN: I find Misa Amane to really be one of the most interesting characters in Deathnote, and thought that I'd try to peek into her head in these quick writting exercises. I'm not very fond of these two, but am going ahead and posting them anyway; the next batch will be better. Please enjoy!_

**The Life of Misa Amane**

**By Allegra**

I. Actress

Misa knew a lot of things about the world. From an early age, she learned that luck of the draw genetics were enough to determine who lived in a mansion and who lived on the street, watching the limo drive by. When the boys in her class began to realize that girls did not in fact have cooties, Misa learned a lesson that held true until a fateful meeting in the house of her future husband: boys liked pretty, stupid girls. Pretty enough to show off, dumb enough to go along with whatever they wanted. With long blond hair and a cute face, there was very little she wanted that she couldn't get. She got average grades, mostly B's with a few C's and fewer A's, but never felt the need to study. She found that she learned far more about the world at the kind of party you read about the next day in the paper after the police showed up than in her textbooks, and once her modeling career started it was a much better place to find exposure. She learned that you never go upstairs, no matter why they say they want you to, and you never drink the 'punch' a boy offers you. She learned what kind of a personality the market wanted, and she learned to pull it off beautifully. Misa knew what the world wanted from a cute girl, and Misa learned to be a phenomenal actress.

II. God

Misa knew that the world didn't care. She knew that if anything, it was against you. When her life was nearly perfect, a burglar killed her parents right in front of her eyes. She could never think of any reason for him to have not killed her as well, except that the world was against her. She got some press coverage, and once everyone had tossed away the old newspaper, they expected her to be over it as well. People sent flowers and cards, said how deeply sorry they were for her loss, but she was harping on it too long once the public had forgotten. After all, crimes happened everyday in that rotten world, mom and dad were just names in a paper to the desensitized public. She knew the face of the man who killed her parents, and she watched angrily as his trial date was pushed back farther and farther. Would there be no justice, to pain for the wicked? As she struggled to pull together a front she continued to fall apart from the constant nightmares of that day, memories of her own weakness and loss. Misa learned that the world was a rotten place, and that it just didn't care. So when Kira descended from the heavens to punish the man she wanted so desperately to kill herself, she knew that whoever it was, she would follow them to the ends of the putrid earth they inhabited; that was when Misa started to believe in God.


	2. Party

**Spoilers:** None

_AN: Drabble III completely ran away from me, but it's the only one like that. I thought it was fitting, considering what a huge impact the Deathnote had on Misa, so I let it go rather than even attempt to cut it down to 250 words. I took a large amount of artistic liberties this round._

**The Life of Misa Amane**

**Chapter 2. Party**

III. Deathnote

It was an unassuming black notebook, laying on the sidewalk as innocently as could be; she almost passed it. When Misa read the cover, she felt a spark of interest, wondering what her occult-obsessed friend would think of it. She bent over and picked it up. Leafing through it, it looked normal enough, filled with blank sheets of lined paper. Misa idly flicked back to the cover, to discover a short line jotted down on the front flap.

'Anyone whose name you write in this notebook, while envisioning their face in your mind, will die in 40 seconds.'

Misa giggled, what a morbid idea. She wondered who had come up with this macabre scheme, perhaps they had planted them all over school grounds; the principal would have a fit.

But of course, she had to try it.

Tucking it under her arm, Misa continued on her way home. Recalling the day, she considered who to test it on. After all, on the off chance that it worked, she should chose someone who really deserved it. After a few minutes spent pondering, she frowned. A lot of people deserved to die; of course her first choice would have been the burglar who killed her parents, but-

Misa stopped mid-stride. But he was dead, Kira had dispensed justice to him just weeks before. He had died from a heart attack. Wrenching open the notebook, she scanned the line again. Forty seconds. It didn't say how, but… could this be it? Misa hugged the notebook to her chest protectively. This was stupid, it was just a prank, but if it wasn't…

Misa broke into a run, heading towards her apartment. If it wasn't a prank, then she was clutching the mass-murder weapon her savior had used to punish the immoral. There was an easy way to check. But now that there was a real chance that it wasn't a fake, Misa hesitated. She would have to choose very carefully. She fumbled with her keys, dropping them back into her purse twice before successfully inserting them into the door knob and wrenching it open. She flicked on the TV out of habit, before settling down before it and checking the news. After all, Kira punished all of the criminals whose names were shown on the news, who would know if she was responsible for one of their deaths? Kira probably didn't even keep track of all of them, he would never notice.

Yuu Matsumoto. Convicted for rape and assault.

Breaking into a cold sweat as his picture flashed across the screen, Misa memorized the name and face before searching for a pen. Finding one sitting next to her diary, she popped the cap off and paused just before touching it to the paper. What if Kira punished the criminal at the same time? Frowning, Misa realized that there would be no way to know for sure that she had caused his death, especially if they didn't report his death until much later. Punching the off button, Misa walked over to the window. The world was full of horrible people, not all of them were behind bars. But she couldn't try it on someone she knew, not someone that could be traced back to her. And she had no way of knowing that they would die of a heart attack, if something bad happened to someone she was known to have a grudge against- no, that wouldn't do. It had to be a name, someone she had no association with. But then how would she know if they died or not?

Annoyed, Misa made her way back over to her bed, throwing herself on it exasperatedly. It shouldn't be this hard to murder someone. Giggling a bit at herself for putting so much thought into something as impossible as a death-inducing notebook, she still couldn't bring herself to test it on someone she wouldn't really want dead. Suddenly enlightenment struck her; she was a party girl, she knew where to find plenty of people who did nothing but waste space. Sitting up, Misa began to get ready for a night out.

* * *

Two hours later, she found herself posed on a bar stool; legs crossed, leaning one arm against the bar while she smiled sweetly at one of the men who had been making eyes at her. Goaded by his friends, the man stood up and made his way over to her. Misa smiled at him when he sat down next to her. He wasn't bad looking, probably in his early twenties, but she wasn't paying much attention to his features; her eyes were trained on his friends. There were five others at the table, two girls and three boys. One girl was occupied giggling over a story one of the boys was telling adamantly, grinning as he waved his arms about to illustrate his point. The other girl was sitting on a blond boys lap, making out with him enthusiastically while the last attendee alternatively listened the flailing boy's story and cast a mournful eye around the bar, fixing the man across from her with a jealous glare. Party goers searching for dates for the single members so as not to drag the others down; perfect.

Barely listening, Misa nodded, interjecting 'hm's, 'uhuh's, and gasps of disbelief when they were called for. Flashing him a grin, she said that yes, she would love to go to a party. She gracefully leapt down from the stool, readjusting the purse strap on her shoulder. Inside it were her usual items plus a new addition: her cell phone, a compartment filled with touch-up makeup, a compact mirror, a small bottle of pepper spray, some spare change and crumbled receipts, a pen, and the deathnote.

The party wasn't as big as she had hoped, but it would do. Large stereos pumped out a steady beat that Misa felt before she heard, blaring loud music that practically deafened her when she walked through the door. Her date brushed his fingers across her fishnet clad arm before pulling her inside to meet his friends. She made sure to pay close attention when they introduced themselves. She smiled, winked and established herself as Sayu Naruka to countless faces before her date ran off to fetch drinks, leaving her to try to sort out the new information, matching faces to names and making sure not to forget any of them. When he returned she took a quick sniff of the punch and politely declined, before settling back against a wall and waiting.

Eventually her date was put off by her aloof behavior and sulked off to find a new partner. A few more guys approached her, some nice enough and others drunk assholes, but she responded to them all in kind until and exceptionally plastered man approached her. He looked a bit older than the others, introduced himself quickly and was particularly adamant about getting her upstairs. Misa shook her head, and he grabbed her arm when she verbally rejected his offer. Misa's eyes narrowed as she attempted to jerk free, staring at his face and memorizing every last detail of it. She put more force into her protests when she realized that he had successfully detached her from the wall and was pulling her across the dance floor. She was considering the best way to reach for her pepper spray when one of the men she had chatted with earlier popped up beside her and pried him off. They were exchanging yells when she left the room, hand dipping into her purse.

Misa quickly made her way to the bathroom, eliciting complaints from an enthusiastic couple she shoved out of the way, and locked it behind her. With a trembling hand, she thought of the man's face and wrote out his name, considering what an idiot she'd feel like if she'd gone through all of this trouble for nothing. She slammed the book shut, a burst of adrenaline pumping through her veins as she hurried out of the small room and towards the door.

She was still on the porch when she heard the first scream.

Chancing a glance back, she saw her former assailant collapsed on the floor, a group quickly gathering around him. She held her breath as someone thought to check his pulse; he had had a lot to drink after all, perhaps he simply passed out. The self-proclaimed nurse's eyes widened as she ordered someone to call nine-one-one before moving away from the corpse. Misa let the door slam behind her as she flew down the steps, wrenched off her platform-shoes and ran, mourning the loss of her new panty-hoes.

* * *

The next morning she sat on her bed, wounded feet soaking in a tub of warm water as she blinked, trying to keep herself awake for the morning news.

_'Last night, partygoer Hiro Takashi suddenly collapsed on the floor. Paramedics arrived on the scene minutes later, but it was too late. Theories of alcohol poisoning or concussion quickly circulated, but it was determined this morning that Takashi died from a heart attack, at just age 25. Full story coverage will follow tonight at…'_

Misa allowed the noise to fade into the distance as she glanced down at the purse that was currently harboring the deathnote, clean but for one name. She had killed him. Misa accepted this knowledge feeling detached, as if watching the truth dawn on herself from somewhere else. Numbly, she reached into her purse and pulled out the one damning piece of evidence, hugging it to her chest. This had killed him. She was holding the perfect murder weapon, she could kill anyone she wanted with just their name and face, leaving almost no evidence behind. Misa swirled her feet around in the tub carelessly, splashing some water on the carpet as her mind soared with the possibilities, while her stomach felt queasy. Stroking the binding of her new instrument of death, she squashed the urge to vomit. This was the device that Kira was using to punish criminals.

A quick glace at the television informed her that the divine judgment was continuing uninterrupted, so then there were two. Would there be more, where had it come from? Misa considered this, wishing there was someone to explain it to her, and considering her options. The police force was already after Kira, the world renown detective L hot on his trail. Biting her lip nervously, Misa mulled over the option of burning the damn thing; would that destroy it? Something as unworldly as this, she was almost afraid to try. But no, she had been given this power for a reason, she should use it. She had always wished to kill her parent's murderer, this was her chance to make up for never being able to fulfill that wish herself.

When Rem floated in through her wall the next day, Misa yelped in surprise but calmly listened to what she had to say. A smile crept over her features, as she beheld the simple item in her hands. She had already decided what needed to be done, what she would do as the second Kira.

Misa wondered vaguely what Kira looked like, as she began to formulate a plan to make herself known.


	3. Control

**Spoilers:** None, apart from Light and Misa's meeting

**The Life of Misa Amane**

**Chapter 3. Control**

IV. Meeting

Misa smirks triumphantly when she sees Light Yagami for the first time, secure in her knowledge that she has found Kira, and he hasn't found her yet. Rem asks her why she isn't going to talk to him as she prepares to leave, and Misa explains that it would be beyond suspicious to approach him now. First she needs to do some research. She had never suspected that Kira would be someone her age, let alone a handsome, athletic (as she would learn later) genius, but she knows that even if she is on his side, Kira is not someone that she can just run up to and greet. Savior or not, Kira can kill her almost as easily as she can kill him, the difference being that she has no desire to kill him and he has no reason _not_ to kill her. Yet. She goes home and learns everything she can about her God, mouth quirked in a sardonic half smile, wondering at the twisted world they live in where doing so is so easy.

Misa hurries worriedly to the Yagami household after seeing L's broadcast, hoping that her savior isn't troubled over the possibility of her turning him in. Of course she wouldn't, but Light has never seen her, he doesn't know that; it's high time she put his mind at ease. A young girl dressed in plaid pajamas greets her, and Misa briefly fears that she has the wrong address as she introduces herself and says that Light forgot his notebook, hoping that Kira will pickup on the keyword. She relaxes a bit when the girl runs back in calling for her brother, but her heart flutters nervously when the man walks out. He really is quite handsome, and Misa realizes with a start that she has no idea what to say. She stutters out a greeting, attempts to explain her reason for coming and winds up shoving the deathnote forwards, bristling internally at her newfound introversion. Misa had never been struck timid by a pretty face or celebrity status, and savior or not, she decides that she'll be damned if this man is the first to cause such a reaction as she follows him upstairs. The best way to assure her safety is to make him fall for her, simple enough. She puts on her usual act as she sits down to face him.

It starts out innocently; she's a bit surprised when he refuses to be her boyfriend, but she has photographs from the day at Aoyama to back her up, she knows she hasn't made any mistakes yet. But he refuses again and soon the mask is slipping, she's baring her soul to him in a way that she has never exposed herself to anyone before, and she feels so vulnerable that she might as well be naked as she collapses on the floor. And for once, she isn't acting; she isn't willing her knees to shake or falling to allow him to assume a role of dominance so she'll be able to manipulate him later; the tears are real and she wants nothing more than for him to accept her. Eventually Misa finds herself sinking into his embrace, not put off in the least by the fact that her boyfriend has stated in no uncertain terms that he will simply be using her, and wondering at the fact that she has it _bad_. She sighs, telling herself that soon she'll have him fall for her like all the others, and carefully begins to reconstruct her bubbly facade.

V. My Girl

The only stereotype Light didn't break was that boys never learned. Once they thought you were dumb, that never changed. She could locate Kira without letting Kira find her, she could trick a confession out of a mass murderer, she could have solved world hunger for all he cared. She was still stupid Misa-Misa. And that had always suited her just fine; as long as she laced some innocent charm in with whatever she said, she could manipulate a guy while still making him think he was getting his way. Hold back a flinch when they call you 'my girl' and they never realize that they are in fact 'your boy'; she had never felt any need to have her boy view her with respect. Until she met the boy who she loved more than anything, until she met the boy who really did make her 'his girl' so thoroughly Misa sometimes wondered if she really belonged to herself at all anymore. It stung her pride a bit to know that she wasn't, but what really killed it was the fact that she had not only gladly accepted that fact, but begged Light to make it so. Misa knew that boys never learned, but she had never considered the fact that maybe they weren't alone; if her experience with Light was any indication, some girls never learned either.


	4. Blue Toothbrush

**Spoilers: **None

**Warnings:** Minor sexual content

**The Life of Misa Amane**

**Chapter 4. Blue Toothbrush**

VI. Loveless

a. Mirror

Misa was surprised the first time Light wanted to sleep with her, only because it seemed so random. She thought he'd take her the first night they shared a bed; he didn't. Another stereotype broken, no boy who'd found himself alone in a room with Misa had ever made any effort to keep his hands to himself; Light had slept right beside her. She spent close to half an hour staring at herself in the bathroom mirror the next day. There were almost no traces that a man shared the bathroom; her various shampoos and conditioners lined the shower and her makeup made a neat line across the sink. She knew he must shave, but had no idea where he kept his razor. The only sign that anyone else used their bathroom was the blue toothbrush, standing crookedly beside hers at the corner of the sink. She glanced at it every now and again, something so insignificant marking the fact that he even existed bothered her some days. But now she didn't linger on it, and her gaze returned to her own reflection.

She wore no makeup yet, having brushed her teeth and hair she was still in the slinky nightgown she'd received as a birthday present two years ago. It was white and silky, tight enough to leave little to the imagination and ending midway down her thighs. Misa turned and studied her profile closely in the mirror. She didn't look fat. She'd already weighed herself twice, she hadn't gained any weight. She turned back to look at herself fully, frowning. What was wrong with her? Her face looked the same as it always did, beautiful and blemish-less. Surely even someone as cold as Light-kun had hormones, was he not even interested in her for that?

b. After

Misa thought she'd figured out the answer to that after eight more uneventful nights. Half the time she was asleep before he even came to bed, so she was surprised when one night after climbing into bed, he was suddenly on top of her. If Light noticed anything amiss in her expression, he didn't say anything. It dawned on her what a long time it had been since they'd kissed when his mouth was on hers, hands tracing the curves of her body deliberately. He wasted no time on sentimental gestures and he certainly didn't ask if he could; every move was calculated and prudent. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't romantic.

He turned away from her when it was over, leaving her to gather her thoughts and breath. She rolled to face his back a moment later, still panting slightly. She tentatively wound her arm around his chest, encouraged when he made no effort to pull away.

"I love you." She whispered. Light didn't respond. His breathing had quieted and Misa decided to pretend he was asleep, even if he wasn't. Because she thought that after that, he could have let her forget and at least pretended that he loved her too.

VII. Shower

The next morning he was gone, not that she'd expected anything less. Perhaps she'd imagined waking to a warm body beside her, gentle kisses, him _looking_ at her, but Misa knew where their lives began and her fantasies ended. So she really wasn't that surprised to find him working on the investigation, chatting with L, neglecting to note her presence as she entered the room. She left quickly to take a shower, feeling dirty as the small part of her that thought something would change died with a smug "I told you so" from the part of her brain that understood how everything worked. She turned the water up hot enough that it nearly scalded her skin, shuddering slightly at the sudden change in temperature. Nothing ever changed with Light, their relationship would become no more intimate, and she found herself crying with the realization that she had nothing left to give. He had her eyes, he had her love, and now he had her body; none of it was enough to make him love her, and now she had nothing left to offer him. The blue toothbrush stared at her solemnly, as the hot water carried her misery down the drain.


	5. Love

**Spoilers**: Slight spoilers for volume 9

**The Life of Misa Amane**

**Chapter 5. Love**

VIII. Stupid

Sometimes Misa thinks that she must be as stupid as everyone says she is to stay with Light. In the beginning she'd thought that he might come to love her back, but he told her up front that he was only using her, and she never had any delusions about that. When she looks at how perfect her life could have been, it hurts to think that she threw it all away so willingly. But she knows that she would never change any of it, she loves Light far too much to ever leave him, or even regret meeting him. That's why sometimes, Misa thinks she must be stupid. Because she can't remember what on earth made her love Light; she just saw him one day and the feelings were there. She doesn't understand why they thought she was the second Kira, she doesn't understand why they have evidence that she was, and she certainly doesn't understand why she's being forced to live in a hotel with surveillance in every room, while her boyfriend is hand cuffed to that creepy pervert across from her. She crosses her legs, frowning slightly as the pale man steals a bite of her cake but not caring enough to argue about it. Light stares off into the distance, looking bored, and Misa wonders how on earth she landed herself in this situation. All thoughts related to the Kira case lead her back to Light, though she can't remember why, and for some reason she loves him. Light glances at her and an explosion of butterflies in her stomach causes her to shift uncomfortably, but in a good way. There was no arguing with her feelings, no trying to rationalize them; they were there and they were strong. So she accepts the bizarre events that lead to it and came from it without too many complaints, and tells the pervert to go away because this is nothing like a real date at all. Stupid.

IX. Marriage

Like every other carefully calculated decision Light has ever made concerning her, his proposal seems nothing if not random. Misa simply gapes at him, running through the short list of reasons he would ask her to quit her acting career before asking if he wants to marry her. He says yes. Misa is so surprised she almost forgets to squeal. But Misa is a professional actress after all, so she yells 'Hurray!' and flings her arms around him excitedly. Light's shoulders are rigid and he's looking away from her with a calculated expression, so Misa shuts her eyes because after all, he did just propose to her, and she had never really expected a ring (he'll get one later, for appearances). She's been disappointed by Light too many times to bother anticipating anything more. She acts for a living on and off set, so Misa doesn't really mind quitting her career all that much, though she decides to finish shooting the movie beforehand. They're almost done and it's not like Light will bother to make sure she follows his orders anyway. She doesn't know how she'll support herself, but she's got quite a lot of money so that won't be a problem for a while, and it will all work out because she's going to be Misa Yagami. She frowns slightly, brow creasing as her lips are drawn into a pout. It doesn't have a nice ring to it. Light pulls away from her, back to business (or maybe the proposal was business), and Ryuk chuckles over the spectacle. Misa hands over her notebook without a second thought, listening carefully as Light tells her what he needs her to do. Maybe she'll stick with Misa Amane.


	6. Twisted

**Spoilers:** Volume 11 character death.

**The Life of Misa Amane**

**Chapter 6. Twisted**

X. Nightmares

Sometimes Misa thinks that she is a very bad person. Though she justifies all the lives she's taken, the lives that she didn't take bother her. The lives she lost and didn't care about are the ones that keep her up at night. Because Rem loved her enough to die for her; they had spent every waking moment together, in a weird sort of way they were friends. And then she was gone. And Misa didn't care. She remembered offering to kill her friend to show Light her commitment, and knew that she really would have done it without a second thought. She'd known that L would die from the beginning, but she hadn't anticipated getting to know him so well on the way. He was annoying, he was creepy, but she wouldn't have wished him dead. When he was, she didn't care. But L's death saves her, because she knows that Light spent almost as much time with him as she had with Rem, because they had been friends. And he didn't care. What must be done must be done, and surely Light-kun wasn't a bad person. But some nights when the eyes of the dead that she did not kill haunt her and she reaches out for Light, seeking comfort, she pulls back before she can disturb his sleep. Because she knows that remorse would make her seem even weaker in his eyes, and she knows that he wouldn't understand. She's slept next to him for several months, and not once has he woken her up in the middle of the night with screams of regret. He sleeps soundly, as the God of the New World, secure in his belief that he's done nothing wrong. So Misa yanks back her hand and turns away, trembling, to bite her lip until the urge to scream passes, and eventually drift back into a numb sleep.

XI. Chess Game

Takada doesn't really bother her that much. Of course Misa is subject to the occasional (alright, more than occasional) pang of jealousy, but she stays with him, doesn't she? Because contrary to popular belief, Misa is ahead of her; because Takada will never understand Light the way Misa does. Because Takada actually thinks that Light loves her. For all her reputation of being "sophisticated", she's just as into glitz and glamour as Misa is, and her grades weren't even all that much better. Takada's sneer of superiority is enough to make Misa's hair stand on end, but she knows that Kira's official spokesperson is wrong. If Takada gets more attention than she does, it's because Light knows that he owns Misa. Takada still needs to be bought, and no matter how many contemptuous glances Misa receives from her, the model is secure in her knowledge that Takada is nothing if not expendable. Light will always need her eyes, Takada's role is temporary. And while that won't stop Misa from mouthing off to her, trying to kick her or wishing her death, it's enough to keep her a little smug herself. Because Takada is clueless, she's new in this chess game of calculated love, and she doesn't know the rules. Misa is a seasoned player, and she knows what happens to rookies.

It's just awful the way she burned to death, but Misa feels more than a little triumphant.

_AN: Sorry for taking forever to update, I decided to play the snooty author and not update until I got a review. It took a while. Please review if you have a moment to spare and feel I deserve it, the thought that someone enjoys reading what I write is truly the best motivator for quick updates._


	7. Gone

**Spoilers:** Through end of manga

**The Life of Misa Amane**

**Chapter 7. Gone**

XII. Death

Misa knows death. She's always known death, one could say that she was raised by it. But for the first time, she realizes that she really doesn't understand it at all. Perhaps it's because since her parent's murder, it has always been far away. A face on the news, a name in a book. She's seen movies, but she has never felt what it's like to be stabbed, to be shot, to have a heart attack. People were just gone. She feels guilty when she realizes that she can't remember her parent's faces anymore, but they're gone after all and it's up to the living to keep moving, to leave the dead behind. But what is one to do when one looks back, only to find that no one else is still moving? Behind herself, Misa doesn't see a road paved with bodies. She sees an empty, desolate cobblestone road, with nothing but uneven rocks to mark how far she's come. Her parents are gone, a burglar took them. Rem is gone, she disappeared. L is gone, he fell. Thousands of bad men faded into the background with nothing more than a news report to document the fact that they had ever existed. Misa doesn't remember a single name. And just like that, Light is gone.

XIII. Lost Memories

Light is gone, and even though no one's said it, she knows that he is dead. Criminals suddenly stop dying once he's gone, and it wouldn't take a genius to put two and two together (though what's left of his family is doing a good job of ignoring it). The man lets her out of the hotel and tells her to go home. She obeys. And Light doesn't pick up his cell phone, and no one will look her in the eye when she asks where he is, and she knows that he is dead. Misa wonders why she loves him so much, and can't bring herself to use past tense when she thinks about it. All she remembers is seeing him at Aoyama, watching a special on Kira, and going to his house. She doesn't know how she knew where he lived, or why she went, even how she knew his name. The only thing she is still sure of, after everything that has happened to her, is that she loved him. Truly, desperately, incomprehensively and bindingly, by the band on her ring finger. Some days that had been enough. Some days the knowledge that she loved him had been all it took to accept all the strange things that she had done, all of those gaps in time where she just couldn't remember what had happened or why. But now Light is gone, and there is nothing left to rationalize any of that anymore. Misa feels like she is a hollow shell, a doll coming apart at the seams, and there is no one to (however unintentionally) sew her up anymore.


	8. Death

****

**Spoilers:** Through end of manga

**The Life of Misa Amane**

**Chapter 8. **Death

XXIV. Valentine's Day

Misa feels old. She's not quite thirty, and looks the same as she did when she was 19, but she _feels_ old. Her modeling career ended with her marriage to Light, but she still gets calls for various shows to act, sing, dance, or just look pretty. The world doesn't notice, and she thinks it's ridiculous to feel so weary when she's still so young, but she still senses her end. The worst part is that it doesn't bother her. Even though she'd known Light was dead, she'd found reasons to force herself to keep living. There was no proof until Matsuda slipped up and told her, there was still so much to do, but she felt restless today. She knew it was time to act, but for what? It was Valentine's day. With that realization something clicked, and she calmly let her clothes drop to the floor in favor of dawning herself in the black dress she'd worn to her parents funeral over ten years ago. She didn't question that it fit, didn't question why she'd even hung onto the damn thing, just kicked her shed clothing to the side of the room and left. She didn't bother locking the door, let some lucky individual find the treasure trove of designer clothing, she didn't want to keep anything but that black dress and her wedding ring. She'd certainly thought of suicide before, but today just seemed… right. Like any other day, going for a walk. Right, left, right, left, telling the world that you're alright when no, you're not okay. Misa went through the motions impassively, letting whispers of the city she called home whistle around her until she found herself somewhere new. She didn't know what building it was, or how she'd managed to get to the roof, but despite her five inch heels, getting over the safety bar wasn't too hard.

XXV. Freedom

Looking out across the city she is presented with a view to rival all the exotic places she's ever traveled for shoots; tall buildings painted orange with the setting sun, and Misa feels free. Light never loved her, and instead of shying away from that fact or dully accepting it, she embraces it. Because maybe that is what their relationship, their marriage was about after all: love. Even one-sided, love is a powerful thing, and she feels like screaming to the world that she wouldn't change a thing about her life. Maybe that was enough, to justify everything; she felt lightheaded and happy, and maybe that was enough to make everything worth it. Recalling an image of the man she loved the most to her mind, she smiles under his gaze one last time, and jumps.

_End_


End file.
